Tyrants incognito

"Remember this," Tyler said.  "The people you're trying to step on, we're everyone you depend on.  We're the people who do your laundry and cook your food and serve your dinner.  We make your bed.  We guard you while you're asleep.  We drive the ambulances.  We direct your call.  We are cooks and taxi drivers and we know everything about you.  We process your insurance claims and credit card charges.  We control every part of your life."  --"Fight Club", by Chuck Palahniuk

I am a blogger with a unique mind, an overactive imagination, a mistrust of government and organized religion, and a paranoid streak.  Therefore, it seems appropriate to write a post that smacks of conspiracy theories, complete with cryptic mumblings about "hidden controllers" and tapioca pudding.  I don't follow politics, which makes it rather difficult to level absurd accusations at public officials.  However, I do live among the middle class, and in my 21 years I have observed that the proverbial "average Joe" can exhibit a surprising amount of control over his fellow proletariats--and can even bring his "superiors" to heel on occasion.  This post is dedicated to those who, by virtue of being gainfully employed, can become dictators if they so choose--ruling not countries, but dependent individuals, with iron fists.

The cable repairman was the man who got me thinking seriously about this absurd subject.  As I watched my grandmother¹ waiting patiently for everything to be taken care of, it struck me that in an indirect way this man, and others like him, could potentially control overly-media-dependent citizens of the United States--IE, the cud-chewing masses who comprise the majority of everyday Americans.  A few people, such as myself, cannot stomach television, and a larger number of people simply cannot afford cable or satellite subscription, but nevertheless, the cable repairman is a formidable power behind the throne in his own right.  Many people are slaves to their televisions, relying on its programming to guide them in many aspects of their lives.  The TV, in turn, is dependent on the cable company, which itself depends on the repairmen who install the cables and fix anything that goes wrong.

Restaurant employees are perfectly positioned to be potential assassins.  A pinch of poison in the parsley, a dash of arsenic in the entree, a vial of cyanide stirred into the soup...  Anybody who abuses their waiter (who is nearly always on good terms with the cook) is a fool of the highest order.  There is a reason kings used to have food tasters to take the first bite of bread, and the first sip of wine.²

I have long been suspicious of morticians.  They are, quite literally, a group of individuals who profit every time someone dies.  Yet, to my knowledge, they are rarely, if ever, suspects in murder investigations.  Why?  Granted, the discovery of corpses on the premises would not be as damning as it would be for a layperson, but you would think police would make at least a cursory check on whoever handles the remains as a matter of standard procedure.  The fact that they are not, combined with the fact that corpses come standard in a funeral home, places the mortician in an excellent position to be a serial murderer, should he so desire.

Baristas control your caffeine.  Without them and their invigorating brews, very little would get done.

Bartenders are providers of alcohol--a commodity many consider to be a necessity.  They are also excellent friends with large, burly fellows known as bouncers.  They have the power to make or break your night.  Don't mess with them.

Teachers and librarians are the keepers of knowledge, shaping our youth and determining our ability to function as a society.  I can attest from personal experience that a good teacher can make an enormous difference in a youth's life--and a bad one can turn students away from learning, encouraging a lifetime of willful ignorance.  Their influence should not be underestimated.

Last but not least--ducks.  Gary Larson warned us, but his warning has gone largely unheeded.  Make no mistake.  Somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.

These are but a few of the (potential) tyrants incognito who walk among us, unsuspected, in our day-to-day lives.  If you can think of any I missed, or if you wish to share a story of tyranny you either experienced or perpetrated, email me at HeVilLives@gmail.com, and I will update this post accordingly.  For now, however, it's time for me to sit down to my cable television, eat a nice thermos of tapioca pudding (assuming I can remember the combination), and patch my tinfoil hat.  This Fight Club and Conspiracy Theory inspired post is concluded.

This post will self-destruct in 3.14 seconds.

¹ Lest anyone accuse me of speaking ill of my grandmother, let me say that even in her seventies, she is a hard-working, down to earth woman.  She finds enjoyment in various soap operas, game shows, and other television fare, but she does not derive her personality from it.  Nor does she scorn literature, as so many of the 30-and-under demographic do.

² Still not convinced?  George Orwell had a fair bit to say about his experience in the restaurant business in Paris in his book "Down and Out in Paris and London".  Sanitation standards have changed since those days, but human nature hasn't.

An open letter to employers

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing.  If you can fake that, you've got it made."  --Groucho Marx

Dear Employers,

I understand that the economy is in the toilet right now.  I understand that, as an early-twenties male with no college degree and limited job experience, I am a dime-a-dozen worker, at least on paper.   I understand that I am going to have to fill out a great many applications and apply at nearly every place in town before securing even a part-time, minimum wage job.  I understand all of this, and while I'm not thrilled about it, I accept it.

My complaint is in regards to the personality assessments you insist on making applicants fill out on every single application.   The supposed goal is to ensure that you hire the few potentially decent human beings out of the cesspool of applicants--IE, the few who will not, through incompetence or rudeness, drive away the few customers remaining to you in these meager times.  This is an admirable goal, but the flaws in your procedure are so glaring that I can no longer refrain from venting.

First of all, the personality assessment is redundant.  It is the job of the interviewer to size up personality and whether or not the candidate would be an asset or a detriment to the company.   I realize that a computer assessment to weed out people seems more efficient, given the huge number of applicants, but since you're going to have to interview people anyway, I urge you to live up to the responsibility of your position and shoulder the extra work.   You're getting paid for a reason--earn it.

Second of all, what idiot decided that a personality-less computer would be a better judge of a human's personality than a human being endowed with a personality?   Whoever you are, pray to your god that I do not find you, or I will show you an aspect of my personality that you are unlikely to survive with sound mind and body.

Third, the personality assessments really aren't that effective.  Did you know that McDonald's has a personality test?   I'm serious.  The page looks as though the average 14-year-old YouTube commenter wrote and designed the page, complete with spelling and grammar errors.  If that isn't enough, consider Wal-Mart.  I failed Wal-Mart's personality assessment--a former friend of mine, a wife-beating alcoholic with a suspended driver's license and a jail record for repeated DUI offenses, not only passed but was deemed to have management qualities.  Good job, Wal-Mart!

Fourth, anybody can say anything on a personality assessment.  It's called lying.  I've taken to it myself, in the hopes of passing the assessment and getting an interview.

Fifth, half of the questions on the assessments are irrelevant.  "I find it maddening when courts let guilty criminals go free--agree or disagree."   What the hell does that have to do with anything?  So long as I can swing a mop and keep my opinions to myself, it's none of your damn business what kind of outlook I have on life, love, politics, or the O. J. Simpson case.

Sixth: Just because I don't like people doesn't mean I can't work with them, and work well.  Now, I will be the first to admit that I am a bit of a misanthrope.  As I've matured, I've learned to lighten up on the pessimism and accept that most people will not live up to my standards, but I still find it distasteful to interact with large numbers of people.  HOWEVER, I WILL DO SO GLADLY FOR MONEY.  Pay me minimum wage, and I will turn on the charm, and leave customers happy.  Minimum wage employment is three parts drudge to two parts whore--so long as we can go through the motions and fake satisfaction, we don't have to actually like what we're doing.

Seventh: I am a hard worker.  I am the rare (among entry-level jobs, anyway) employee who will work hard, work steadily, get things done, continue working even when the manager isn't looking, and upon completing my tasks, will look for more work to do.  I am that breed that believes very strongly that if I'm on someone else's dime, I'd better earn it.  Personality assessments ask a few cursory questions in a feeble attempt to detect this attitude, but any fool can lie.  Any human interviewer worth his or her salt, however, will recognize this quality if it is present, and will appreciate it.

Eighth: I am reliable.  I show up on time.  I work.  If necessary, I'll put in a few extra minutes off the clock without complaint.  I rarely take sick days (averaging one or two a year) and never take vacation.  I'm the employee who walks in the door and prompts sighs of relief.  "Good--now things'll get taken care of."

Ninth: I am intelligent.  I have common sense.  If I don't know something, I'll ask.  If I make a mistake (which is rare, but does happen), I will own up to it, learn from it, and take whatever steps are necessary to fix it.

If you haven't gotten the drift, I'll summarize: I am a better employee than 90% of the other people applying to you or currently working for you.  The sole saving grace of most of those 90% is their ability to pass the fucking personality assessment.  Look past the judgment of the soulless machine, grant me an interview, give me a week to learn the ins and outs of the job, and in a month's time you will be able to replace two or three of your current employees by putting me on full-time.

--A frustrated applicant, David M. Smith II